Mythwood   
....the name itself stirs up thoughts of gods and goddesses, heroes and monsters, magic lands and faerie tale forests. And well it should, for this place is a land of wonder and a land of wooded majesty, a place of natural spirit treated with care and reverence by both it's caretakers and those who find themselves camping within its environs.
    Mythwood is a 61 acre privately owned campground about an hour and a half north west of Toronto. It is located in Grey County and is the result of a passionate vision and hard work on the part of its owners and the friends and family that have helped rejuvenate the land it lies on. When it was purchased a few years ago, it was so scarred and untended that it's new owners trucked out over a half dozen 20 yard bins of garbage. They have been busy re-establishing a connection between the natural environment and the humans who occupy it since.
    Actually, occupy is a misnomer. They have been busy creating a rapport with the nature they share the space with.
    Though it is and always will be a work in progress, it is now a realm of pond and lake and large private camp-sites with electricity where one can bask in the serenity of nature around them and escape from the rat-race of society.
    Spiritual re-connection can be found here whatever one's faith, and magic from cultures around the world have a place as well:
        A circle containing Brigit's fire lies not far from the edge of a pond and a Buddhist meditation circle sits within sight of it.    
    There is an open space with another circle and a beautifully hand-carved figure of a woman representing those who follow the Goddess' in all her aspects.
        One of Mythwood's most remarkable and awe-inspiring pieces is the Stone Circle, with it's Solstice stone carefully positioned to allow the sun to strike directly in the middle of the circle at the appropriate time during the Solstice. At that centre, lies the Table Stone and carefully placed to correspond to the placements in the inner circle of the original Stonehenge are a series of  stones. There is an energy there that can be felt almost tangibly by any visitor open to such things.
        The pond is open to swim in and Triskelion Lake holds an abundance of life as well as the magic of the Lady of the Lake and the Sword in the Stone. Two herons fished along its banks he one morning we were there.
        Ask about the Phoenix and the Cairn stone if you are interested in more of the magic of Mythwood.

    There is a grouping of outdoor facilities that include showers that many describe as "heavenly". There is  a covered stage with a charming castle-like facade and many other facilities available for special events and hosting festivals which you can learn more about at the campground web-site....  www.mythwood.ca

    The time I spent there was during one of the festivals and I was made to feel welcome beyond anything I could've expected. So if any of you who appreciate and revere nature want a fulfilling and revitalizing place to camp, or somewhere to host a special event or a festival, Mythwood may be the place for you.

    Thanks again to Khaman and Alyx for taking on the mantle of Mythwood's custodians and protectors.

"Dwi'n dysgu Cymraeg" - I am learning Welsh.I have rediscovered a passion for my Welsh heritage that was first instilled in me by my father many many years ago when I was a child. Like most of the Welsh abroad, he had a deep pride in the little nation of the British Isles that many don't even know of and, of the many that do, it is often just thought of as part of England. It is a part of Britain but it is its own country. It is my nation, or, I should say, that I am of it.

Any of you who has roots in other places, and for us Canadians, that is most of us; may have felt this kind of pride in your ancestral homes. It is a passion that reaches deep into the memories hidden within our cells and into previous incarnations of our souls even. I have been lucky enough to explore some of those primal memories and the lands from which they have arisen.

My whole life, I had felt an almost overwhelming compulsion to go, or rather, return to Wales. It has been a fire in my cellular memory since I first learned of it. Wales....Cymru....the land of the Red Dragon. Two years ago this September, I realized that dream and crossed that wish off my bucket list. Traveling with my wife, another explorer of passion, we spent nearly two weeks visiting some of the sacred and historical landmarks of England and Wales.

After several days visiting sites in Somerset and Cornwall, we boarded a train and headed for the mountains of North Wales. When we crossed the border into Wales, an irresistible knowing came over me. Without even looking out the window, I pulled myself out of the half-napping fugue I was in, to turn and look at my wife.
"I am home!" I told her and just moments later came the announcement that we were now in Wales.

On the train, we had met a personable young man who hailed from Devon originally. He had just returned from a weekend of partying in Greece ans sat across from us half asleep most of the time. Inquiring where we were going, he laughed at our pronunciation of the town and simply told us, "It's pronounced Betsy Coed."

For anyone who is Welsh or aware of the town 'Betws-Y-Coed', you are probably laughing and realize how badly the youth had butchered the true pronunciation.
From our B&B hosts in the town, we learned the true way of saying it and I made sure to master it. After all, it was part of my ancestral language and a thing I took pride in.

Over the years, I had learned a smattering of pronunciations of letter combinations from my father who knew a little of his language but not much. He had taught me that the 'dd' was a 'th'  and how to roll my 'rrrs' among other things and while in Wales, I learned the true sound of 'll' but when I returned to Canada, mundane day to day matters took over and I let my passion for my homeland subside. I am Canadian too and generally proud of the land of my birth in this incarnation as well.

Recently, that passion was re-ignited once more, thanks to the band, "Calan."

"Dwi'n dysgu Cymraeg" - I am learning Welsh.

"Dwi ddim yn rhugl - eto" - I am not fluent yet.

There is a local festival in London, Ontario each year that combines music and food and has become extremely popular over the years. This is Sunfest, its live music typically Latin in nature or from one of the tropical or sunbelt nations. great to dance the salsa and such too. This year, my wife was checking out the line up of performers when she saw that there was going to be both a Scottish and a Welsh band playing. Just the mention of a Welsh band was enough to bring up my excitement levels. This was not typical of Sunfest and we both knew we had to go see them. We had a date with the band, Calan, whether they knew it or not.

When the night arrived, I prepared by wearing the earring of the Welsh dragon I had bought in Wales and the t-shirt of a Red Dragon carrying the Welsh flag I had as well. The performance started as the band took the stage; a tall man with a fey smile and a fiery woman on the fiddle, another fellow skillfully pulling chords from his acoustic guitar while two other women played their own instruments, an accordion and a twenty-stringed handheld harp.

Traditional Welsh music came from these instruments during this performance, interspersed with some of their own original and compelling music including the song, 'A Tale of Two Dragons', based on an old legend of a prophecy of two dragons battling for supremacy and how the victorious Red Dragon became the symbol of the Welsh flag, one of which the band pulled out and draped over speakers at the front of the stage. The legend sometimes ties into the legend of King Arthur and what may have been Merlin's, also known as Myrddin (remember the 'dd') first prophecy.

It was at this time, that the tall slender fiddler who earlier had noticed me cheering in the audience, or rather, the Welsh shirt I was wearing of which he now made mention. Throughout this whole experience, I had felt my passion for my Welsh heritage returning and was swelling with overwhelming pride for my people and with grand appreciation for this wonderful band.

Throughout their set, the accordion player set aside her instrument and added another to the ensemble, her feet, with traditional clog dancing added into the mix, joined occasionally by the harp player dancing as well. It created compelling rhythms that only a corpse could resist tapping their foot to. The tall fiddler player exchanged his fiddle at times for the Welsh pipes (the 'pibau cyrn' or 'pibau cymraeg', I believe) and whistles. It was a powerful and joyous performance I will never forget.

Yet, this was not the end of the tale of why I am passionate about my roots and my ancestral language. After the show, we were in the beer tent and bumped in Calan. They recognized me from the crowd and my wife and I entered into a lively conversation with them. I met Patrick and Angharad, the fiddlers; Beth, the accordion player, singer and clog dancer; Sam, the guitarist; and, Meinir, the harpist and dancer.

They were a young, charismatic and extremely down to earth group of musicians who we chatted with for quite awhile, my Welsh pride soaring the whole time. We spoke of Wales and how those of Welsh descent abroad all took such pride in the small but historically vital nation; how the language had nearly died out in my dad's time and how now and when we were in Wales, teens and young people could be found speaking Welsh on every street corner; how I had known in my blood the moment I had entered Wales, how I had learned to pronounce Betws-Y-Coed properly and how I had learned from an older Welsh woman on our recent trip to Ireland that the government of New Zealand had been so impressed how Wales had brought back their language that they had sent educators over so that they might be able to do the same with their own fading Maori language.

We suggested a couple of other local festivals that they should look into for their next North American tour as well.

It was an amazing night and we became determined to go back and see their Sunday performance as well. The following day, I began researching online sources to learn to speak and read Welsh. By the time we saw them at their performance on Sunday, I had memorized how to write and say,

"Dwi'n dysgu Cymraeg" - I am learning Welsh, much to our mutual pleasure.

Their second performance received a standing ovation, quite a feat at a festival where many came to hear the Latin and sunbelt music. An older woman with that pervading Welsh pride was there waving a Welsh flag and she too received a shout out from Calan just as I had on the Friday night. We bought their CD which they gladly autographed and invited us to seek them out when we return to Wales and suggested we stay in touch through their Facebook page, CALAN.

It was an encounter that has not only set my Welsh blood burning but continues to do so. Any of you of Welsh blood might know what I am feeling and any of you of other descent, I challenge you to seek out knowledge of your cultural origins and embrace the beauty of the heritages that have helped make you who you are today.

"Dwi'n dysgu Cymraeg"

"Dwi ddim yn rhugl - eto"

"Diolch yn fawr"

Well! It's been awhile, true believers! (Wait! That's Stan Lee's tag-line!)

It has been awhile though and it's not because I haven't felt passionate or concerned about anything enough to share it. The truth is, I haven't been inordinately busy either. I just haven't felt compared to share my views on anything in particular.

What has finally compelled me to write a new blog is the idea that I am human and that we all are and though it makes us greater to reach beyond that fact and attempt to be more enlightened, it is also okay just to be human once in awhile with all our faults and limitations.

We, as a society, and just as often, as individuals, have a tendency to criticize others for their sometimes base actions or unsavoury qualities while forgetting why we recognize these as base or unsavoury qualities. When I am guilty of this, it is often recognized by my wise heartmate; at which point she holds up an imaginary mirror and I too begin to recognize what I am doing.

The first time she did this, I fought the idea, tooth and nail. It couldn't be true....I was beyond such things but after an intense and emotional discussion, I reluctantly (definitely, reluctantly...like many, I don't like to be wrong, even though it happens quite frequently) admitted that it was true. The negative qualities I was ranting about were in me as well. I realized the reason I didn't like that person's actions was because they were ones that I too were capable of and I didn't like that. I had hoped I was better than that.

Yet, I was just being human. It didn't mean that person's actions were right nor were mine. What it meant was that they were the actions of a human being, quite capable of making mistakes and errors in judgement despite our prodigious intellects and intuition.

What matters, in the end, is not that we are human and that we err but what what we do about those actions...do we learn from them or do we repeat the same patterns of misbehaviour over and over again. The issue with this though is recognizing those patterns of misbehaviour in the first place.

I have a stepson with autism. His brain does not follow the same synaptic pathways as most of us and he has no little or no concept of right or wrong, good or bad social behaviour other than through repetition and rote. He understands what makes him feel good or bad though as do all of us. It is not always easy but he can be shown how his actions can make others feel bad. In fact, it is quite difficult at times, but it can be done and when he realizes it, he doesn't like it because....he doesn't like others to feel bad.

If we can teach him this lesson, why can we not find the patience to teach this lesson to others. We need to teach it to ourselves first of course. That is one roadblock. The other is having the patience to demonstrate it (demonstrate through one's own actions instead of just preaching it).

So this is the lesson. It is okay to be human. it is better to recognize it and try and correct the less endearing qualities of that state however; to look into the mirror and accept the blemishes and then try and go beyond it.

Easy for me to say....now, let us see if I can live it!!!

It all began with a simple post on Facebook. We can malign the social networking site for many things but it is a powerful tool and like all tools, it is the way it is used that defines it. In some cases, it ignites an idea, adds fuel to thoughts, shares a perspective that needs to be shared. This was the case with a simple comment I saw one day that has left an indelible mark upon my psyche and has stirred a passionate response within me.

The thoughts began with this statement;

"WHEN ARE WE GOING TO STOP TEACHING OUR DAUGHTERS HOW NOT TO GET RAPED AND INSTEAD TEACH OUR SONS NOT TO RAPE?"

WOW, eh?

So basic a question, yet so profound a perspective. The culture of thought that has created violence and abuse, against women and children especially, is one that can be laid at the feet of the male populace in general. Women, as a whole, have never asked to be raped or beaten. Neither have children. If any individuals of that group have...it is because of a psyche scarred by others' unforgivable actions in the first place.

This culture may have prevailed through hundreds, even thousands of years, but this does not mean it is right. In fact, at one time, many societies were matriarchal or of a shared politic between the sexes. Their belief systems accepted both men asnd women's sexuality equally and had traditions that educated each in a natural and compassionate way. A lot of that changed in the last two millennia. My goal here is not to lay blame on any particular society in history or spiritual belief though. It is to point out to the portion of society today who can make the greatest difference in attitude what we can do to correct this imbalance.

I am tired of hearing, even from "educated" people or those with so-called "enlightened" religious beliefs that rape would be less of an issue if girls dressed differently, acted differently and did not tempt boys who are caught up in raging maelstroms of hormonal conflict. There is a certain rationalization to some of this and I hopefully address these ideas to a satisfactory level. If our culture of thought does not change at its foundations, there is truth to the above statement but it, like much of modern medicene, merely addresses the symptom rather than the cause. What we need to do then, is start at the bottom, the root of this line of thought. The bottom line is that we, as Men....Whole Men..., must teach our male offspring how to deal with those raging hormones without impinging on others' freedoms and actions.

There is still a responsibility to the feminine side to educate and direct girls on the inner conflict and angst that their youthful counterparts go through and how to take that into consideration through the course of their own actions. It is a two way street but lets start with the route that directly leads from our home and our man-cave. First, we must teach our sons to be emotionally literate. The celebrity, Jane Fonda, discusses this in the following link http://www.upworthy.com/they-asked-if-she-had-anything-else-she-wanted-to-say-to-the-audience-thats-when-she-took-it-home?c=ufb1 .

One of my siblings clarified Jane's statements a little and it resonates with what I have been talking about in previous blogs, "One of the things that must be said is that boys and men do not need to be pansies etc to be emotional literate. There must be a societal change in what both men and women think & perceive to bring this about." Men must be Men. It is true but we need to be Whole Men, who respect the other sex, their needs, their wants. We are told by some that girls shouldn't dress they way the do because it entices the boys, it stirs the primal urges that are their instincts and drives them to awaken their sexuality often in detrimental ways.

In essence, if we continue down this road of thought; girls are told to not embrace their own burgeoning sexuality to allow boys to come to terms with theirs. So we are asking the female to deny herself so a male can find himself.

Can we say...hypocrisy?

How about, instead, we teach boys about what they are feeling and about what the girls may be feeling. We must teach them how the girls make them feel instinctively, and then, teach them ways to deal with those instincts, not to deny them but to establish a balance with them. We need to teach them that their are ways to release these feelings that build up inside without stripping away someone else's freedoms. Bluntly, one of the things we need to teach them is that things like masturbation are not evil or dirty deeds. They are natural and a way to curb those animalistic tendencies. We must also teach them that it is okay to talk about these things. Dialogue is always a great initial step in resolving issues.

We as boys growing towards manhood, are beset by a tidal wave of raging testosterone within our own bodies. We are driven by the animal instinct to procreate. That cannot be changed. The truth is...an erection is, on some levels, quite painful. It is like a muscle that is undergoing a prolonged contraction and our body is striving to release the tension caused by flexing for such an extended period. Our psyches understand the pleasure of release instinctively though and thus the pain is not acknowledged consciously most of the time. Even now, if I asked many other men, they would probably deny this truth having never really contemplated it.

It is the truth though and that instinctive desire for release is one of the factors that drives teenage boys. Understanding that though is the first step in doing something about it. Releasing that desire without treading upon a girl's freedom is what we need to teach our boys. It is not just the inability to release the tensions built up by this sudden onslaught of testosterone that leads to sexual assault and violence, it is a young man's inability to understand what is going on as well...both within themselves and within the opposite sex.

There is also emotional desire involved in all of this. Not just the desire for release from the tightness of a physical erection but the desire that comes from being attracted to the more intangible qualities of sharing time with someone you like. All of these are natural instinctive things that the majority of us go through during our coming of age years. All of this can be addressed through educating our offspring and empowering them to make wise decisions.

Even if you agree with what I have said, there will be some of you, probably ones who are not fully comfortable with emotional literacy, who are asking, why us? Why do the men need to deal with this uncomfortable topic? Why not those who are more emotionally literate...like the mothers?

The answer is simple...because women do not rape...men do. Don't even think about going down the road that there are cases where women rape. That is a rare exception to the rule. We, as men, "Whole" men not "real" men must take responsiblity for the actions of our lesser refined  fellows. Was it not once said, "That there is no greater evil than the indifference of a good man..."?

I came upon another link recently that addresses some of the same questions and it is put passionately and almost poetically by Jeremy Loveday. If it does not cause you to to ask the same questions I do not know what will... http://www.upworthy.com/if-a-man-asks-what-women-have-been-asking-for-centuries-will-men-finally-listen?c=ufb1 .

It is imperative if we really wish to change the culture of thought on this subject to ask these questions aloud and to all. It is also important that this be a family issue as well. We need to get our wives and our partners involved in this discussion and our daughters as well as our sons; to understand both sides of the mindset of both sexes and the sexuality of both as well. What we men need to do though is start with what we know best...ourselves and those like us...our sons.

Originally, I had thought to title this blog, "How to Have a Successful Relationship with a Strong Independent Woman." Then, after thinking about how I was writing it, I considered, "How not to Have a Relationship with a Strong Independent Woman." Then, I chose the title of the Oak and the Willow because, in truth, how to make a relationship with a strong independent woman work, for me at least, is based on this philosophy and the interchangeability of its archetypes. I have gone back to the original title so that it might garner more attention as a catch-line when I share it. So, this is, "How to Have a Successful Relationship with a Strong Independent Woman."

First, decide if you really want a relationship with a strong independent woman. To do so, you need to know yourself well enough and be honest with yourself enough to answer the following questions truthfully. Are you a control freak, one who needs to dominate a relationship at all times? Are you a pushover, do you give in constantly so that one's partner always gets what they want? Are you afraid of adventure and change? Are you unwilling to change your habits; not your character but your habits? Are you willing to try and change basic core characteristics of your personality for another person?

If you answer yes to any of these, then walk away now. A healthy relationship with a strong independent woman is not going to happen. You can try all you like but desiring any of these extremes while being in a partnership with such an individual is just dooming you to failure.

If you answered no to any of these questions then you have a fighting chance. If you still desire a relationship with a strong independent woman then you must a strong independent man, but... you must be willing to be both the Oak and Willow when situations dictate it. You must be able to stand firm and strong when needs require it but not be hard and brittle. You must be flexible and bend in the wind when emotional weathers require it of you. This is the Philosophy of the Oak and the Willow.

A man must be willing to guide his own destiny but accept that another must do the same. In a relationship, there are two phrases, among many, that are inappropriate with the type of a woman I am discussing today. They are, "I have you" and "I want you". The truth is, what should be said is, "I have with you...." and, "I want to share with you..."

"I want you..." indicates a possessiveness. A strong independent woman will refuse to be "had" or to be possessed, eventually, even if they do accept such an attitude in the beginning, which one may because we all want to share our lives with a partner and will sometimes enter into things in an attempt to quell the loneliness. The key here though, is the word partner. When you "have" something, it is a possessive term. That is not a partnership. That is ownership. What one must really want is to share a relationship with the other or to possess something together. One might think this emphasis on terminology is just splitting hairs but indicating that one understands the differences can go a long way if this is shown to your partner.

One might say, "I am so happy you are my girl", but, once in awhile, at least, tell her, "I am so happy to be your guy." This will tell her that you possess each other. That is what this kind of relationship needs to be based on.

A man who wishes dominance over his partner at all times is an "I want you...." type of guy. He won't last with a strong independent woman. He might actually establish the beginnings of a relationship with a woman like this, because they do like a man who knows what he wants and who he is, and may succumb to that attraction in a moment of weakness. They will not stay however. They will realize eventually. that there is only take and no give from the man they want to be their partner; that there is only "do this" and not, "let me do this for you..."

The polar opposite tactic that men sometimes use with the archetype of the woman I am talking about is the "pushover" tactic. This type of man has recognized the "goddess" in the woman but is merely a worshipper rather than allowing himself to be a "god" himself. He has put his would be partner on a pedestal and will do anything for her so that they can remain together. This tactic is as doomed to failure as the dominance strategy. A woman wants to know that a man will go to extremes for her but she also wants to know that he will stand firm and draw a line in the sand when a situation requires it; that there is a moment when he will step forward and become the castle walls when an opposing force lays siege to her own strength.

This is the Philosophy of the Oak and the Willow and it can be followed only by creating balance and learning to recognize when the Oak is necessary and when the Willow is. The "control freak" and the "pushover" can only take one of these forms and not the other and thus the balance needed to sustain a relationship with a strong independent woman does not exist.

In essence, you cannot "keep" a strong independent women. They are not a possession. To be with one on a long term basis, one must fly free with a woman like this. Trying to cage or tether them to you will only result in resistance and eventually a split in a different direction. The same can be said for falling into a rut with a woman like this and not reaching out and doing new things with her. A strong independent woman needs new experiences to stimulate her and let her grow.

She should never be taken for granted. Never let her forget the things about her that you have fallen in love with. Never forget to show her, by action rather than word, how much she means to you. Take her on new adventures and most importantly, let her take you on new adventures.

Falling back on the subject of a previous blog, you will find that it is a "Whole" man rather than a "Real" man who has a greater chance of having a partnership with a strong independent woman succeed. The Whole man/ Real man situation is dealt with in more detail on my first blog on this web-page.

Now, let us talk of compromise and sacrifice. These two things are not the same. Compromise is necessary when having a relationship with the strong independent woman. Sacrifice is a choice that will only doom that partnership to failure. Remember, it is a true "partnership" that is going to make the relationship work for both of you.

Compromise is coming upon a situation where you might not see eye to eye with your partner and finding a common ground. It is looking at the barrier that has sprung up, evaluating whether it is a core personality difference between the two of you and deciding if there is a middle ground you can meet at. Is the compromise something that can restore the balance between you or not. Compromise is not a "dirty" word...if you gain more than you lose as partners.

Sacrifice, not the altruistic kind where you give your life to save your partner but the kind where you give up part of the core of who you are to keep them happy, is not a good thing. In the long run, giving up a part of yourself for the others' happiness is just another way to ensure your relationship is really not going to work anyways. You both need to be happy for it to work. Giving up a piece of who you are causes resentment and bitterness.

There will come a time in a relationship with a strong independent woman when you have to decide if some of the issues between you are subject to compromise or sacrifice. That is when you must decide whether these traits that are causing friction are the results of habits or behaviour intrinsic to the core of who you really are. This is where it is so important to be a strong independent man to match your strong independent woman. You must know who you really are and you must decide whether the issue is a habit you can and are willing to change or if they are a deep seated rooted part of who you are.

Before I go to much further in this, let us discuss what a strong independent woman actually is....briefly anyways...because "She" is comprised of diverse, complex and intricate personae that we, as men, can only strive to truly understand. Embracing the feminine factors in our make up can make this easier and that too is touched upon in another previous blog, " The Masculine and the Feminine Within".

A woman like the one I am talking about today, as diverse and myriad as are the forms she can take, has certain truths and values surrounding her that are almost certain:

1/ They might not always know what they want but they almost always know what they don't want.
2/ They often know who they are and you cannot change that but they too may have formed habits that do not aid in maintaining the partnership.

In both these situations, you must decide, both together and individually, if there are negative traits about either of you that can be modified, but remember, compromise not sacrifice. If there is something about you she does not want, is it a habit or a character trait? If there is something about her that needs to change, she must ask the same questions. Both partners must be happy and still be themselves within the relationship for long term satisfaction.

In summation, the Philosophy of the Oak and the Willow agrees with the idea that, in a relationship, one must be dominant and one must be submissive...at times. It that does not mean, one individual needs to be dominant or submissive at all times. In situations of decision making, one will be more knowledgeable or capable in any given area than the other. That is often when that one should take the lead but there will be other circumstances where the other should take point, and even others where a joint consensus is required. When it is time for one to lead, they must be the Oak. When one must follow, be the Willow.

The Time of the Oak is also when you need to stand strong and firm, to be a pillar of support for your partner. It is time to buffer and protect them when they travel stormy weathers or face uncertainty and indecision.

The Time of the Willow is when you need to bend in the winds of chaos and be flexible to the needs and wishes of their partner. It is a time to bend but not break in the wind and stand beside the flow of troubled waters instead of being directly in their path. It is a time to adapt to the other...to compromise but not sacrifice the roots of their essence.

I am sure I could continue on this subject indefinitely but hopefully I have given anyone reading this food for thought. For all you strong independent men out there seeking their feminine counterpart, I am sure you and your partner can figure out the rest yourselves. There will be times when you have to remind yourself of the Philosophy of the Oak and the Willow but if you try and live by it, your partnership can succeed.

    So far in my posts, I have talked of the Masculine and Feminine duality within all men, be it hidden or overt. I have touched on the things that we all perceive of as masculine but concentrated on how so many men deny their feminine aspects.
    For those of you "macho" men brave enough to read and try and process the message I have been giving, I am sure you are thinking, who is this guy? He is sure in touch with his feminine side but what about his masculine? What makes him an authority on this subject?
    Well, in answer to that, I am not an authority, only a guy who has learned certain lessons about himself through the experiences he has been through. I guess it is time to cut through the pretty words and get to the point.
    As I have said on many occasions, I am quite capable of crying at the end of Ole Yeller (if any of you remember that movie) or during the scene in I am Legend with Will Smith and his dog (you know the scene if you have seen the movie), but I am also capable of standing toe to toe with any of you tough guys in a boxing ring, no holds barred.
    Obviously, like all of us who have evolved as we have matured, I was not always as far on the path to enlightenment  as I am now (I still have leagues to go too). I grew up in a public school system and a relatively low rent district; a small boy with a strange name who did well in school. It was a perfect recipe for geekhood and I will freely admit that was what I was...a comic loving geek. Every new school I went to, I was a target for bullies.

    That never lasted long though...

    An older brother of mine told me that most bullies were actually cowards with inferiority complexes and that one must stand up to them. Coached in wrestling and other martial techniques at an early age, including judo and later some boxing and a smattering of aikido, I steeled my nerve and followed my sibling and mentor's advice. He also taught me that it was all physics and how to use leverage. That it wasn't all about size and strength or even speed, it was about intelligence and wisdom as well.
    It wasn't long before I began to gain the respect of my peers and even though I didn't always win my battles, I gained a reputation for being a geek who could use his fists (and other parts of his body as well). I ended up moving in my senior years of public school and having to go through the whole process of physically earning respect all over again, and then in High School as well.
    I was proud of my martial skills and was told once by an expert in multiple martial arts that what made me a dangerous opponent was the smattering of teachings I had turned into my own style. He explained that someone who concentrated on only one style of fighting often only developed techniques for countering that particular style while, in my case, I had a variety of attacks from various styles to draw upon.
    By the end of Grade 9, there wasn't many people who still tried to pick on me but I had found a new cause by then. I began standing up for the geeks and freaks that wouldn't stand up for themselves and while that was something that needed to be done, I realized it wasn't as altruistic as I painted it to be to myself and others. To my later shame, , I had developed a liking for fisticuffs and had chosen to get in altercations the way I did to justify it.
    Some of this carried on into my early pub crawling years and while I still never picked a fight, I was more than willing to throw down the gauntlet to anyone who threatened others. After losing a tooth but not the fight a second time (a difference that no longer matters but did at the time), I began to realize that it was as much the adrenalin rush as the sense of righteousness driving me. I began to regret the way I had been and it wasn't until years later that I was able to look at this troubled time in a positive light as a crucible in which my later character began to be forged.
    By the time, I entered into the security industry years later and once again found myself occasionally involved in physical encounters, I had matured to the point where my pugilistic skills were tempered with common sense and confidence knowing that while I would try and deter any violence first, that if it came down to it, I could still protect myself, and more importantly, others, whose welfare I was responsible for. What was most vital about the lessons I had learned though, was that, those physical skills were for a last resort only.
    So, I do understand the urges within us fueled by our testosterone and instincts developed during our days millions of years ago as hunter/gatherers and then later as civilization emerged, as protectors of our clan and culture. I do understand the rush of adrenalin and how it can be like a drug. The desire and drive to excel with athletic prowess is in most of us men but it is the reasons we use it that make us true men. It is the Whole Man who can divert those urges to protect those and that which we love and not to let those violent tendencies instead hurt those and that which we love. It is the Warrior of the Heart that uses these weapons for the greater good, not the Soldier of the Mind that rationalized these tendencies and justifies conflict without compassion and it is the Warrior of the Heart that supercedes the primitive beast that dwells within all men.

    To be a Whole Man, we must first accept all the factors that make up who we are; physically, emotionally and mentally. There is an over-riding factor that affects all those attributes, two actually; genetics and environment. Both of those factors can shape us into who we are and both of those factors can be curtailed consciously to affect our attitudes and behaviour. In the end, however, by trying to deny these things, we do not allow ourselves to achieve our true potential. We must accept both the hereditary and experiential components that make us who we are. That is not to say that we should let our genetic pre-dispositions and the events of our past be excuses for poor behaviour though. The negative aspects should be used as warnings and signposts on how to better act and react to situations in the future.
   
    These pre-dispositions are fuel for another blog in the future however.

    At this time, what I want to talk about is those genetic components within us that form the balance of our emotional make up; the X and the Y chromosomes.
    This goes back again to the Real Man versus the Whole Man. A Real Man will often try to deny the existence of the X chromosome. He will grasp onto and ride the wild stallion that is his testosterone and try and quell the other powerful hormone that still resides within him. In so doing, he creates an imbalance inside. Although estrogen (that other hormone) may live in lesser levels within him, it still has a home there. When it's existence is ignored, the emotional imbalance can result in pent up frustration and anger within a man and often reveal itself in the form of physical rage and violence. There is the capability of violence in a man for a reason, the protection of those he loves from other violent forces and the survival of oneself so that he can continue to protect those he loves. When that potential for violence is released, it should always be for those two reasons and none other.
    The existence of estrogen within a man is there: because we are born of Man...and Woman, and so must both exist within us; and because we need to accept and embrace the softer emotions we are capable of so that the harder ones born of testosterone do not destroy us or those we love when it is not needed for those same reasons.
    Back in the late 1980s and early 1990s, there was a television show on called Alien Nation. Briefly, it was about an alien slave race that had overthrown the yokes of their masters and crash-landed in California where, after a period of time, they were accepted (somewhat) and assimilated into human cultures. Many of them took on Earth names and occupations. The show was mainly about two police officers, one human, one alien, and their interaction with each other and their coming to understand each others' cultures and ways over time.
    It was a fun show and did not dwell deeply on the philosophical differences between the two peoples but it did touch on them on a weekly basis. One episode stands out starkly in my memories. George, the alien cop, had a wife who was pregnant. It turned out that, in his species, during the second trimester of pregnancy that it was the male's turn to carry the baby inside himself for a time. This led, of course, to some rather comical scenes where George demonstrated the quirks and set backs of being pregnant, including back pain, and most importantly, uncontrolled emotional outbursts caused by the imbalance of hormones that can occur at this time.
    It was this situation, after one such sudden incident in which George inexplicably bursts into tears, that revealed to me a profound revelation about life. His detective partner, Matthew, becomes increasingly irritated with George's issues, and comments on it. Matthew's character has been the epitome of the "Real" man through out the series but has slowly been growing into more of a Whole Man during his association with George. His exasperation shows that he still has a ways to go though. It is George who then reveals the universal truth I had never really considered before then.
    He responds to Matthew's frustration with a short and simple comment, "I do not understand you human males. You are only part of what you can be. You make fun of me and get annoyed when I show my "feminine" side. Yet there is both within us, male and female, X and Y chromosomes. By denying that side of yourself, unlike the males of my species, you are denying a part of yourself. How can you life a half-life like that?"
    The words have been paraphrased, my memory is not that good, but their meaning has never been forgotten; a "Real" man embraces the Masculine within while denying the Feminine.
    A Whole Man embraces both, and in so doing, can become more.....

Over ten years ago, the most influential man in my life passed away at the age of 92. He had many of the qualities of what I referred to in my most recent post as a Whole Man. He might not have had all of them for the Divine Masculine is a thing that might never be completely reached by any of us on this mortal coil but he came close in many ways. He had his weaknesses; a fiery temper and a stubborn side as well but he loved deeply and despite an innate Welsh toughness, he was not afraid to cry.

Just over a year ago, my father in law died as well. He influenced me greatly in the relatively short time I knew him. He had his weaknesses but he loved deeply as well, and could be quite stubborn too but he also held qualities of that ideal...the Whole Man, that I strive to move towards with each step in my personal evolution.

I wrote a poem in honour of my father a decade ago and read it at his funeral service. I read it again last year at my father in law's Celebration of Life ceremony. It has, as you will see, a description of some of the qualities that make up the character of the Whole Man I spoke of. Here is that poem:

Role Model for a Man

Hunter, gatherer,protector and provider,
Instincts of  primeval man,
Yet History thinks we have evolved.
Look around outside this place,
Tell me if those thoughts are true.

Men doth hate their neighbours
They abuse their mates and harm their families,
They shout and kill their fellow man and try to rationalize their ways,
It leaves one with a bitter taste
And sours youthful hopes
But all one needs to restore that faith and remember why we're here
Is to think upon the life of one we all held dear.

Hunter, gatherer, protector and provider
A part of every manly man,
Yet such is only partly true,
Think of our wondrous father
And know that this is so;

Fathers must be hale and strong
They must protect and provide for all their family
They work and sweat and try and lead the way
And in the end the best will leave a hopeful legacy,
A memory of these things but also tears and joy,
Of stories and listening to your hopes and dreams
And being human just like you or I.

Hunter, gatherer, protector and provider
Yet a man who wielded love as well as hammer,
Who would always put his family first,
A role model for any other
Who wants truly to be a man.

-In Memory of my father, Gomer William Morgan Robinson-
February 20, 1912 - July 20, 2002

-And my Father in law Robert Brent Dorrington Kelly-
May 28,1946 – August 12,2012

Society and tradition teach those of the masculine persuasion that they should be the role model of a Real Man. We are taught to be strong and hard, Soldiers of the Mind and Body. We must not cry, we must be cruel in our love and rigid in our beliefs. We are taught that it is okay to care but not to show it. We are taught that it is not okay to hurt and certainly not to show it if we do.

There are many other stereotypes that we are taught; through upbringing, social interaction, media. They come from countless sources. It is my purpose in writing this blog, and others to follow, to challenge those beliefs. It is my purpose to show that true strength comes from not being a "Real" man but from being a Whole Man.I aim to demonstrate that the strength of a "Real" man alone is false, that it is brittle and damaging to a man's psyche and to his ability to sustain a relationship, specifically that of one with the opposite sex (which is another term I have issue with and will discuss at a later date in another blog). I aim to show that it is better to be a Warrior of the Heart than a Soldier of the Mind and Body but also that it is okay to have that within you as well but only as a small part of what makes up the entirety of who one is.

It is not my goal to denigrate or "rag" on those of you who choose to follow the "Real" man philosophy although there will be times that I do point out some of the negative aspects in being merely a "Real" man. My true purpose is to demonstrate the qualities involved in becoming what I call... a Whole Man. To me it is something I hope to one day achieve, this being a Whole Man. The steps I have made along this journey already have freed and liberated me, made me stronger than I had ever thought possible when I still traveled the road that I was told would result in me becoming "all that I can be".

Maybe I was a "Real" man back then, but I certainly wasn't all that I could be. I certainly wasn't capable of sustaining a relationship with an intelligent, beautiful and strong woman like the one I share my life with now. The Whole Man I am evolving into to has learned what is necessary to achieve such a powerful and empowering and lasting relationship.

A man must be tall and strong and unyielding like an oak at times but there are also times he must be supple and flexible like a willow. A willow's limbs can often survive a storm of circumstance that the harder wood of the oak cannot. There are times for men to be the strong silent type, like the oak, and times for us to be the willow, flexible and adaptable, singing the songs of nature as the wind whistles through our branches along the riverbank and in time with the rhythms of the flowing waters.

Yes, in the primordial depths of human existence, we were the hunter/gatherers. We needed to steel ourselves to face the beasts that could slay us with tooth and fang as well as sustain us but we were also born of the mothers, the nurturers and they are as much a part of us still as the hunters and the protectors. Biology agrees with that statement. We consist of X and Y chromosomes yet we are taught to accept only the one and not the other. So, if we are made of both the male and the female then would not the one who accepts both parts of their existence not be more than he who accepts only one.

I will end this, the first of my blogs, on this note. I am not a fighter but I am not a lover either;  I am a fighter and a lover, on my way to becoming a Whole Man, not just a Real Man...